


Flighty Broads and their Snarky Horseshitometer

by smolonde



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blackrom, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/F, Finally finished, and tries to proposition vriska, but vriska's like nah son, drunk sex is not a thing i wanted to write so, gay af, kanaya and vriska rekindling a friendship, requited, rose and vriska hate each other, rose gets drunk sometimes, sexual mentions, though it's definitely not moriallegiance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-10 05:47:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3279035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolonde/pseuds/smolonde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vriska Serket is stuck on the meteor with her ex-moirail and her ex-moirail's love interest. She doesn't quite understand why, but all she knows is that she haaaaaaaates Rose Lalonde with a passion... And she knows that, even if Rose doesn't succumb to her "charm", she can still find a way to make the human girl hers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pitch

Ever since you saw her, you knew she was different, and you knew that you hated it.  
When she started talking to your moirail, you pegged her for some kind of geeky bookworm who didn’t know what she was getting herself into. Her eloquent words sounded so stilted over text, and you thought that her vocabulary was even more boring than that of your meddling meddlefriend. But then she ended up on the meteor, and she was so different in person than you’d have ever expected her to be. She was strikingly beautiful, and she was able to match you word for word in sarcastic battle. Even though you hated how she constantly yammered on about “majjyks” and her dark gods, she had a certain appeal, and her violet eyes caught the light and reflected it like a prism. And what angered you most of all was that she didn't know who you were, and she didn't at all care. She didn’t care about your great heroism, and she didn’t seem to take into account that you had all the luck. Not to mention that every time you saw her talking to Kanaya, you felt just a little bit turned on. God, you hated this girl, and you couldn’t help leaning in a little closer just to breathe in a little of her smell; oaky and fragrant, like a summer day when every flower on Alternia was in full bloom. Thinking of her made your fists ball up and your face automatically grimaced. Yep, you, Vriska Serket, Thief of Light, were head over heels in hate, with Rose Lalonde, no less.  


You knew that you had no business crushing on a fellow Light player, seeing as you don’t know if any players of the same aspect had ever had romantic success before, but still, this girl had you in the palm of her tanned, purple-fingernailed hand. This is different for any black affection you had for Toreadork; no, this is black hatred in its most undiluted form. Her pretentious air, her overly lofty tone of voice. You hate it when she drinks and when she slurs out your name in that singsong voice, your anger bubbles up to the surface, pitch-black disgust filling you up inch by inch. You hate how she’s trying so hard to assimilate into your troll culture, reading up on quadrants and trying to get involved in auspiticism that isn’t any of her business. Kanaya, though, is lapping it up like a meowbeast. And maybe, just maybe, that’s part of why you hate her so much.

You're not the jealous type; at least you don't like to think so. But when you see your ex-rail getting turned on and waxing fucking poetic about that snarky bitch to anyone who listens. Not that she does it to you; she isn't talking to you anymore, for some reason. Toreadork really did screw up the dynamics around here before his tragic demise... But you really do miss her, and watching her fall for that moody creep is almost more than you can take. Almost. Kanaya, though you would never admit it to anyone if they asked, was probably the only person you trusted, ever. When no one else was there for you, she helped you. She made you that goddamn fairy dress, and even though it didn't serve its purpose, you knew that she really wanted to help you. You modeled for her quite often, helping her make her dresses, making Spidermom weave swatches of fabrics for her. But most importantly, she was probably the only person who thought that there was any good in you.  
And you will not let that conceited toad of a human get in the way of that.


	2. Tar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vriska is a troll on a mission; or rather, a quest to win the spades of a certain snarky broad. Can she actually reach her goal, or is the enchantress smarter than she thinks?

You set off through the meteor, cobwebbed and dirty, wiring and broken equipment hanging from the walls. It kind of reminds you of your respiteblock, with its broken 8-balls and the spiders hanging from every corner of your ceiling, and the floor thick with dust because you were too lazy to mop it up. As you start to lose yourself in past memories, you realize that you're getting distracted from your true purpose for being out this late; finding and seducing Rose Lalonde.  
God, her eyes. That's all you can think about right now, those stupid lilac eyes burning through your gray skin, her pale skin almost glowing in contrast. Those blonde eyelashes, so delicately fringing her eyes, fluttering open and shut. Those eyes, stupidly glazed over as she takes another sip of her martini, dragging out each moment as she says your name with her purple-painted lips. V-r-i-sssssss-k-ah. Each syllable sparking a deep, deep disgust and resentment until you boil over, storming from the room in a huff as she slurs and laughs for you not to go. Those eyes, bright and alert the next morning, telling you that you're immature and teasing you about your "insecurities", as if you had any. Those eyes, watching with a sparkle as Kanaya moons over her, her rainbow drinker skin glowing brighter with what would be a blush as Rose weaves a web of seduction around her. Oh, how you want to scratch her eyes out of her pretty little blonde head. Kanaya, though, watches her like a woofbeast, trailing her around the meteor, worried that big bad Vriska is going to do something to her little flush-crush. But you can see just how overconfident she is. You knew ever since she went on the mission for the Green Sun, and how she stares death right in the face, that she is extremely self-assured... Not unlike yourself, in a way. But that's where all the similarities end. Because unlike your traits, hers are all an act. You can see the fear shifting under the surface of her skin, bubbling and frothing. Rose Lalonde has never been more than a scared little girl with mommy issues. Nothing like you at all. She is weak, but in a different way than Tavros. No, she still tries to fight towards the light, and she will not give up under the heel of your shiny red Converse, yet you can still tell that she's so, sooooooooo weak. And you're so close. You know you can break her, and you will not rest until you do. 

And as you delve into your hate-induced haze, you realize that you've reached the metal sliding doors of the library, where Rose and Kanaya spend most of their time talking among books and thinly veiled sexual tension.You storm in, kicking a pile of books over, the pages falling onto the floor. The two of them look up from their compromising position, which involves Kanaya under Rose, glowing with embarrassment, with Rose beginning to slip her hand under Kanaya's skirt. Kanaya stares at you with shock, embarrassment, and indignation, Rose with indifference.

"Oh, it's you. Don't you have something else to do, perhaps fall down the stairs?" Rose's voice, smug as she keeps sliding her hand, ever so slowly, up Kanaya's thigh, rings in your head, making you twice as angry as you were before.  
"Shut your windhole, Lalonde. Fussyfangs, I need to talk to your little bitch. I don't give a shit if she's in your red quadrant, but you need to leave. Now."  
Kanaya sputters. "Vriska, what.... Get out!" Her face is glowing brighter by the moment, and Rose's hand playing with the edge of her underwear probably isn't helping.  
Rose looks at you, contemplating, then shrugs, leans in, and kisses Kanaya passionately. "Darling, we can finish this later. That was just a taste of what you should expect... Leave me alone with Spiderbitch here, and we'll see what emerges." She pouts her full purple lips and raises her eyebrows. "I promise, I'll compensate for everything your moirail couldn't give you."  
You gape at Lalonde, but you don't want to have this conversation while Kanaya is watching; you've embarrassed yourself enough and you don't want yet another snarky broad making jabs at you. "Kanaya?"  
Kanaya gets up and turns to leave, grumbling. "Rose, I am hoping that you will uphold your promise."  
"You can certainly count on it, dear." Rose blow her a kiss as she walks out the door, purple ribbon trailing in her wake.

Rose assumes a sitting position on a nearby desk, stretching out her legs. "So, Ms. Serket, what brings you here? I would assume that there are others on the meteor for you to bother, but since I'm your first choice, to what do I own this honor?"  
You open your mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. And the vision of her sitting there, lovely, makes the rage rise in you, and you open your mouth to scream, but instead, you surprise yourself by striding forward, grabbing her dainty face, and kissing her full on the lips.


	3. Onyx

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Vriska kisses her black interest, she soon realizes that she's getting more than she bargained for with the Seer.

Rose's lips taste like alcohol and black licorice. You hate it.  
Your tongue slides into her mouth, tracing gently along the bottom row of her straight human teeth. God, they feel disgusting and unfamiliar, and your tongue demands more of them as you drag it over her molars. Her tongue, while yours is full of action, darting and licking, is surprisingly still. You would have imagined her to have a little more fire in her makeouts, but you'll take what you can get from her, just as long as it's something. You keep licking at her tongue until it responds, circling around yours in a violent tango. Your hips push her against the edge of her desk, grinding into her until she finally breaks the kiss, standing and unceremoniously shoving you to the ground.

"Well, darling, I had no idea that you felt like this about me," she purrs, leaning down to nibble on your earlobes. "I must admit, I find you absolutely despicable, and I do absolutely think that you need to be crushed and whipped into shape. It gives me so much pleasure that you would give me the honor of breaking the great Vriska Serket."

You struggle not to yelp as she hits a soft spot behind your ear that sends chills throughout your body. Does this human truly think that she can break you? You know that it's impossible. No one has ever broken you successfully. When Aradia tried to break you, she ended up six feet under and you went god tier. Terezi tried to mess with you, and now her eyes are gone. You would think that someone as smart as Lalonde claims to be would understand that no one messes with a Serket and leaves completely intact. But then she licks that spot behind your ear one more time, and your brain turns to mush as you shiver with delight.

"You're not who you think you are. You are weak. Weaker than Tavros. That was the name of the boy you murdered, correct?" she croons in your ear, her voice honey and silk. "You killed him, not because you're better than him, but because you're insecure. Because you couldn't handle a crush on a lowblood. Because you feel like you're the worst, so you act like you're perfect." You are wriggling under her, snapping at her neck and leaving fang marks all over her, but you can't get her to let you go. Finally, as she begins shifting her focus to your shoulders, you are able to throw her off and get on top of her.

" I am NOT weak! I swear, Lalonde, I am going to fuck you into next sweep!" You tear at her Light robe, exposing a soft white breast and the shell of her purple bra.

She freezes, then stands up, pushing you off of her. "Not that easily, Serket. I'm going to make you work for it." And with a slow smirk and a raising of eyebrows, she leaves the room, her ripped gown hanging off her in shreds.  
Now you're angry.


	4. Charcoal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vriska and Kanaya have a little talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, first things first, if you've read the first 3 chapters and come back for more, bless you, you're wonderful. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting for a week and a half, but I've been really busy with school, chem tutoring, family stuff, etc., to write at all. So without further ado, I present to you "Flighty Broads and their Snarky Horseshitometer- Part 4"!

It takes you an hour to get up off the floor after Rose Lalonde sashays out the door. You can't help but stare after her, a cerulean blush staining your cheeks and spreading down your neck, the black pit inside of you finally boiling over and spilling tar-like liquid through your veins. You are furious, disgusted, a little bit annoyed, and, though you would never admit it to anyone, a lot turned on.

Your bulge stands on end, and you refuse to give it the release that it aches for. That would make Lalonde win, and that is something you would rather die again than see. However, you keep thinking about Rose's teeth on your throat, her short purple fingernails tearing at your skin, her hot breath as she shouts your name, throwing all resistance to the wind. The sound of your name is so, so filthy on her tongue, and you have never hated her more. Now you're fantasizing about her, too? Bluh, this girl is making you lose all your inhibitions, and you're not sure whether you want to fight back or give in. "No," you tell your bulge sternly as it threatens to pop out of its denim prison. Reining in your mind, you relax and clear your head of any sexy Seer fantasies until it deflates and goes back to its proper position.  
With that problem out of the way, you finally rise from your position on the ground, the hard iron floor cold under your grip as you push yourself to your feet. You make your way out of the library, sweaty, bedraggled, and still as angry as ever. You turn corners, praying that no one sees you in such a vulnerable state, until you bump face-first into Kanaya Maryam. You're pretty sure that your entire face is a darker cerulean than ever, and you stutter out a murmur of greeting. "Hey, Fussyfangs." You attempt to rush in the other direction, but Kanaya calls out to you. "Vriska, wait."

You turn on your heel, surprised. She hasn't addressed you without anger in her voice since SGRUB began. "What?" you reply, too startled to give her the snaky response you'd normally fire at her.  
She looks you up and down, likely taking in your sweat-soaked, torn shirt, the scratches on your neck, and the blush creeping up your neck like a giant strand of ivy. "Rose told me what transpired in the library when I departed, and I must say, I'm surprised. I would not have expected you to desire Rose in one of your quadrants, and I am even more surprised that she reciprocates the sentiment."  
"I didn't need your approval, Maryam!" you snap, trying to swallow the surprise at the fact that Rose actually told Kanaya about the confrontation. However, something she says itches in the back of your think pan. You rub your shoulders and neck, trying to think of a way to ask that isn't completely pathetic. "Did... did she really say that she hates me as well, or are the two of you in cahoots to make me even more angry?" you say menacingly. Kanaya looks at you straight in the eye. "Vriska, I have had enough of lying to you. Anything on my part, at least towards you, is completely sincere."  
Your brain races. _Wait, what?_ "What do you mean? What have you lied about before?" The spite slips out of your tone; you're truly curious as to what Kanaya means. 

Kanaya's muscles tighten, and then she seems to make a decision and relaxes. "Vriska, for about a sweep on Alternia that we were moirails, I desired you in a different quadrant. While you were content to remain in a pale relationship, I sought you in a more red quadrant. However, when I saw you kissing Tavros, especially because of your constant attempts to antagonize him regarding his shyness and disability, my blood pusher was shattered. You thought it was because I held feelings for the boy, but it was because of your inadvertent rejection of me that I avoided and turned my back on you." She says this all with a completely straight face, although you can see the telltale glow of humiliation under her skin.  
"Kanaya... I..." you stumble over your words. "I'm so sorry."  
Kanaya smiles gently. "Dear, the past is no longer relevant anymore. I am flushed for Rose now, and we make a much better match than you and I ever would have, even as moirails. However, now that my matesprit might well become your kismesis, or at least, a black "fling", I want to make sure that any hostility between us is gone. I no longer feel for you, but I am still willing to stay friends." Her blush grows brighter.

There are so many things you want to say, so many apologies, so many feelings you would express, if only you had the words. But instead, you find yourself launching your body into Kanaya's arms and beginning to sob. "Yes," you say, as she holds you closer, and you grip each other in an embrace neither of you thought you would ever feel again.


	5. Ink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose is drunk and antagonizes Vriska. Shenanigans ensue.

When you and Kanaya finally break from your embrace, after almost a full thirty minutes of crying in each others' arms, you kiss her forehead and say goodbye, telling her again that you're sorry for any harm you may have caused her. It's the first time you've ever apologized to anyone for your actions, and you have to admit, it's not as bad as you thought it would be.  
You're still focused on the task at hand; crushing the spirit and snarky right out of Rose Lalonde, seeing her break under you, hearing her melodic voice profess absolute black hatred. You want to see her hiss at you with those perfect white teeth and say your name with that lofty tone that you despise so much. You want to see her crumble underneath you, begging for your bulge like a needy grub, screaming in perfect agony and pleasure as you bite her neck over and over, until her red blood peppers the sheets of the four-poster bed that she insisted on appearifying. Finally, as you get more and more angry, you realize that you've arrived at the door of her respiteblock.

Without knocking, you barge straight on into Rose's room, and you smell a pungent, bitter stench not unlike sopor slime. Your gaze flicks around the clean room, taking in the violin hung up on the wall, and then you see a small flicker of movement coming from the bed.  
Rose Lalonde is sitting on her bed with a bottle of vodka, glancing lazily in your direction.  
"Vriska Serket. I've been aspecting... inspecting... expecting you," she drawls, her mouth curling into a smile. "I knew you couldn't stay away... knew you wanted more from the second I left the room..." She trails off, beckoning you onto the bed with her pale finger. Speechless, you obey.  
"Tearing up my robe... you wanted me that bad, hmmm? You wanted me... so why don't you come a little closer?"  
You shiver, willing your body to stop being so, so, soooooooo turned on by this girl's voice, especially when she leans into your ear and whispers.  
"You're prolably... prollaly... probably thinking about my teeth on your neck... prolly thinking about how I'd feel around your bulge, hmm?" she slurs into your neck, her mouth sloppily making its way down onto your collarbone.  
You shake yourself out of your haze and knot your fingers in your hair. "I don't wanna think about anything right now. I hate you when you're drunk even more than I hate you normally, so until you're sober, you're not getting any of this." You gesture to the front of your jeans, where your bulge, traitorous as ever, tents at your pants.  
Rose appears to be angry at your denial of her, but horny as you are, you hate this girl enough that you don't want to even look at her when she's liquored up. You get up, pushing her off your chest, where she's begun to slip her hand under your shirt and grasp at your chest. "You're drunk, Lalonde. Call me when you're sober." You stride out of the room, your hate for her disappearing from the front of your mind, almost running until you reach your recuperacoon, and as you jump into it, you relax. The last thought you have before sleep starts to consume you is that you are going to make her feel soooooo shitty tomorrow morning.

You wake up, feeling much less well-rested than you thought you would be, and for an instant, you forget why you're so worn out. Then, as you look down at your neck and see the bitemarks on your collarbone, you remember, and your black hatred returns to the surface, a hundred times stronger than ever. As you rise from your recuperacoon, your feet take on a mind of their own and march your still-sleepy body in the general direction of the library, where your sleep-addled mind knows that Rose is likely to be. You walk up the dark stairs and wish that you had Kanaya to light the way, but somehow you stumble to the top eventually and find yourself standing in front of the library's entrance.

As you walk through the doors, you take in the sight of the tightly bound spines of the books, and your eyes rest upon your favorite of them all; Marquise Spinneret Mindfang's journal. You walk over and pick it up, feeling the weight of the book, natural in your hand, and breathing in the scent of the time-worn pages. You flip to an dog-eared page that you have read so often in your childhood that there are grubsauce-y fingerprints all over it. You look at the cerulean script and begin to read.

"The Orphaner poses a caliginous riddle like no other I've met. I am presuming him 8othered 8y jealousy, and it would 8e sickening if it were not so marvelously amusing. 8ut then, who 8ut royalty could have the finned cheek to show disdain for the manner in which his 8lack lover conducts her red conquests? Less has acceler8ted meeker than I to homicide, and the viol8tion would hold me aghast, again, if his misgivings did not complement his so endearing arsenal of qu8nt flaws. It is impossi8le to stifle this grin even now as I write."  
You put the journal back down on the shelf, pondering Mindfang's writing. Dualscar was a shitty kismesis, that's for sure, but you understand, for once, how Mindfang felt. She hated Dualscar's flaws. She knew just how to manipulate the Orphaner, and even though Rose Lalonde is not a troll, you, as a descendant of the Marquise, can surely manipulate her. And while Rose does not possess Dualscar's immaturity, you understand that she does indeed have the cheek of royalty. Her condescending tones, her sarcastic eyebrow-raising, and that little smirk that quirks at the edge of her lips whenever she sees your face. She's a fucking princess, and you hate it.  
You are pushed from your thoughts by the whooshing noise of the metal doors sliding open, and your eyes focus in on the girl in the doorway, her blonde hair glimmering in the fluorescent light.  
"Ms. Serket. I was expecting to find you here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WRITER"S BLOCK ATTACKS. If you're wondering why it's been ages since I've posted, I have had the worst case of writer's block and such a lack of motivation. I promise I will get it up by the end of the week.


	6. Obsidian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter!!!! Vriska confronts Rose about her feelings. Rose's answer surprises her a bit.

The door slides shut behind her, the loud clang of metal making you jump; almost a sweep of living on this meteor and you still haven't gotten used to that sound.

"Okay, Lalonde, now that you're back in control of your think pan, we need to have a little chat." Your blood pusher is thundering in its fragile ribcage, but you refuse to back down now. You need to set things straight, and if you don't like the outcome.... well, you'll deal with that when it happens. "Let's start with the obvious. You're obviously very into me, which makes sense, and I wanna rip off your ears, so... are you my kismesis or not?" Your voice cracks, betraying your fear, and you're pretty sure your face is cerulean past its healthy tinge.  
A smirk starts making its way up Rose's face, then to your surprise and confusion, she bursts out laughing. Tears run down her face as she seizes up, cackling with glee on the floor. She stops, sizes you up, and when your eyes come into contact with hers, she loses her shit and laughs even harder. This continues for a solid five minutes, your mind absolutely scrambled.

"Oh my God, Vriska. I absolutely cannot believe you!" Her laugh echoes around the room and your eyebrows raise in confusion and bewilderment. What the fuck is going on? Why is she laughing? What the actual hell.  
"Shut the fuck up!" you yell, your voice bouncing off the metal walls and all the bookshelves. "Shut your mouth, stop your stupid snarky broad laughing, answer my goddamn question or I swear, Lal- mmph!"  
You are cut off as a pair of black lips smacks into yours, roughly biting your top lip and forcing a prying tongue into your mouth. Your defenses fall, and you both crumple to the floor, her pawing hands working their way under your jacket. You break the kiss, even though everything in your system is screaming at you not to, and look her straight in the eyes, which are glimmering with laughter and crinkle as her mouth travels into a smirk.

"So... I'll take that as a yes?" You look her in the eyes, a shiver passing through your body; a lingering fear of rejection still willing its way through your system.  
She laughs again. "Oh, my dear Ms. Serket. You really are as self-centered as everyone thinks." She places both hands on your breasts, propping herself up by pushing down on them until you writhe with pain. "This isn't about being your kismesis. It's about making you submit to me. I hate you. You're absolutely vile, and I loathe everything about you. I don't want to play at being in a relationship with you. I'm not going to be yours, because that would just make you win. I just want to hate you, completely and utterly, and I want to break you. You're in luck, as always. I want you."  
And with those words, she leans back in to kiss you even more roughly than before, and the two of you roll across the floor of the library, ripping a hole in the carpet as you scratch your nails down her back and she hisses with pain into your mouth. While she reaches up your shirt to grab your breasts through the thin fabric of your bra, you bite her neck with all the power in your teeth, ripping a gash in the flesh. And when you feel a hand worming into the waistband of your jeans, you hiss, knowing that she's got you wrapped in your own web.

An hour later, the two of you come stumbling out from behind the thick metal door, your faces both scratched, bruises on your neck and bitemarks on hers. Your shirt is torn, a rip made by Lalonde's canines on your left breast, and your mouth is swollen from the kisses Lalonde has so roughly forced upon them. There are tears in your jeans and probably some in your underwear too. Lalonde's bra is revealed due to the long rip torn all the way through her God Tier robe, there are bruises all over her arms, and she limps due to the time she spent riding your bulge, though she'd probably be loath to admit it. You walk through the winding halls, hearing a soft cackle wafting through the air as Terezi spots you from her respiteblock. You look at her with an absolute disgust, and she can probably smell the tension oozing off you in the air, because she lowers her glasses, winks one blind eye, and lewdly licks her lips. Next, Kanaya appears from her darkened room, a grin on her face, ready to start meddling, but Rose waves her away. "Later, darling." You are pushed into Rose's room, shoved onto the bed, and kissed passionately.  
"You're all mine, Serket."

This isn't quite a triumph, and you are tangled in your own web, which seems to have been taken by a bigger, stronger spider. And you are completely fine with her devouring you, bit by bit.


End file.
